Just five days from today, I will be on my way to Oklahoma.
I have five days left with my family. Five days of memories to be made before we are separated for three months by thousands of miles.
On Wednesday, my sister Emily and I are leaving home to attend Heartland Baptist Bible College in Oklahoma City. This is a huge step for two girls who have lived most of their lives in isolated Alaskan villages. Whenever we get out of the village it is a bit humorous. We exclaim over riding in a vehicle at 60 MPH, paved roads, trees (ha!), going to Wal-Mart, and other such "marvels." (chuckle) This is going to be a huge change for us. The college campus itself is the size of my village's population. You wouldn't think we would experience culture shock, would you?
Last summer while my family and I were on furlough in the States, we had the opportunity to visit Heartland's campus. As we toured the buildings I had this undeniable sense, This is where God wants me to be. I had such peace. And I loved everything about Heartland. I knew it could easily feel like "home away from home." It wasn't too big or impressive, nor was it too small. My sister and I prayed about the decision for some time and finally came to know that Heartland was indeed where the Lord wanted us to attend.
At this point I am at perfect peace. However, arriving at this point was a struggle. It is true that am very hesitant about these life-altering changes in my life. I dread the thought of saying goodbye to my precious family. Even so, I am absolutely certain that this next step is God's perfect will for me. I want to cling to the familiar, but I know that I must go forward with God.
God's plans for us often take turns that we never expected we'd come to. Two years ago when I graduated from homeschool, we were making plans for my sister and me to leave home for Bible college. However, various situations led us to consider studying at home for a few years via correspondence. At that point I was uncertain about God's will for my life. I questioned whether it was truly right for me as a young lady to leave my home and my father's protection to attend college. To be truthful, I was inwardly bucking against the idea of going away to college because I truly thought it would be the wrong thing to do. And then the Lord led us to study at home through Landmark Baptist College's directed studies. I was immensely relieved and so happy.
So the Lord allowed my family another two years to be together as my sister and I took our classes. It was a wonderful experience; we both learned and grew so much spiritually. At the same time, we were able to continue helping in our home and serving in the ministry. Looking back now, I can't thank the Lord enough for giving us two extra years at home. They were absolutely essential to my life. It was a time of preparation.
In the past two years, I have learned so many needed homemaking skills that I would have neglected had I left home. I have been given the opportunity of working alongside my parents in our ministry. God has taught me so many valuable lessons in the past two years that I would otherwise never have learned. At 18, I know I would not have been ready to face the many challenges and responsibilities of being on my own. This season of waiting and learning was so important to my life. I don't doubt for a moment that I have been in the center of His will all along, for I have been so blessed and so happy. The center of God's will is the only place where you can be happy.
In the past two years, I have learned so many needed homemaking skills that I would have neglected had I left home. I have been given the opportunity of working alongside my parents in our ministry. God has taught me so many valuable lessons in the past two years that I would otherwise never have learned. At 18, I know I would not have been ready to face the many challenges and responsibilities of being on my own. This season of waiting and learning was so important to my life. I don't doubt for a moment that I have been in the center of His will all along, for I have been so blessed and so happy. The center of God's will is the only place where you can be happy.
Perhaps some people have looked at my life during these past two years and questioned my sanity as I told them, "I am so happy here." They believed it was my right to leave the confines of this little Alaskan village and experience "real life" in the States. Were it not for the contentment God has given me in the center of His will, I would probably have thought the very same way!
There are many challenges about our mission field, just as there are on any other mission field. Our land is covered in snow for seven months out of the year. We have a two-month period of darkness in the winter where the sun doesn't even exist. I have faced a period of two whole years when I was able to fly out of our village only once, and that was just to our neighboring village for three days. I never get to go shopping. I spend almost all of my time within the walls of my home because there is simply nowhere to go (think solitary confinement =D). Months pass when, besides church services, I see no one except my family in my day-to-day life. We have struggles in our ministry; there are many services where only one faithful person attends; it seems like we're accomplishing nothing for the Lord. But whereas many other missionary kids have been unhappy, depressed, even miserable on the mission field, this little, isolated Eskimo village on the shore of the Arctic Ocean, ninety miles from the closest neighboring village... This place has been the source of richest fulfillment and happiness to my life.
It seems impossible. It seems I would be struggling to get out, to make something of my life. But I have found what so many missionary kids have failed to see: When God calls your parents to the mission field, He has placed a special calling upon your life, as well. And when you embrace that calling, you can get some things accomplished for the Lord. Your parents' work becomes your work. Their burdens become yours. You cry out to God for the same souls, you fight against the enemy as he seeks to destroy them, you strive in all you do and say to build their lives for God's glory. I believe the Lord has an incredible purpose for each and every missionary kid on the field. He can do such mighty things if missionary families will serve God together as a family on the mission field. They are a wall, a fortress, surrounding the ministry that Satan cannot easily break down.
This is my mission field as long as God has me here with my family. I am a missionary. This is not just a place where I am forced to live until I'm 18. This is where I want to be because this is where God has divinely placed me! I made the choice some time ago: God has planted my life in this barren tundra land, and I will bloom here that He might be glorified.
And all those struggles about this place that I described? He has made each one into a blessing.
After an endless winter, I have learned to appreciate the short months of life so much better. I don't think anyone has ever received more pleasure from springtime than I do. Even if our springtime basically equals mud and a few blades of grass, beauty is everywhere! (Just take a look at the four posts I wrote about the transformation and you will see what I mean: Spring's Slow Arrival, Promises of Spring, Welcoming Spring, and A Walk in the Spring.)
During the dark days of winter, when spiritual warfare was strong and sensed, when we grew impatient with each other as a family, I learned the reality that when Jesus lives in your home, He is your Light. And He gives untold peace.
I have learned to find happiness not in a social life and fun activities but in my family. Oh, how the Lord has blessed my home! When your family is all you have, you really learn to depend on one another. You're literally forced to be best friends with your siblings because you have no one else. (chuckle) The isolation has been so good for us. It's made my family strong, and I know that through the passing of years we will depend on one another just as much as we do now.
I have learned to associate with missionaries such as Adoniram Judson who labored seven years before seeing their first soul saved. What do you do when you just don't see fruit? We have been serving the Lord in this village for six years, but through all the disappointments and discouragements, my parents haven't given up on the Lord's work. My parents are among God's most faithful servants! I appreciate them so much. We may never see a whole crop of fruit, but if we get a bushel it will be worth it.
What are struggles like these when you're serving the great I AM? My God gives victory where there is defeat! There is no happier place to be than in the center of His will! I couldn't possibly be happy anywhere else on earth. If I had left home for college two years ago, I would have been miserable. It wasn't God's time. He wanted me here. He had a time of preparation for me, a time in the dark and the harsh conditions, that I might learn to trust Him.
And now it's time for me to go. For a while, as the Lord began showing me it was almost time to "leave the nest," I resisted His will. Believe it or not, I have been so content and happy here that I didn't want to leave. And, deep in my heart, I wanted God to do something for me... something that I learned wasn't His will for me at all. It was a good thing, but not God's best for me. I wanted nothing more than for God to bring my future husband into my life without me ever having to leave the comfort of my home. Who he could possibly be or how this might happen I could not fathom -- but I believed it must be God's will, and since He can do the impossible, He would take care of it. =) Right?
The Lord showed me (none too gently; I was stubborn =) that the way I
planned things wasn't the way He planned things. I struggled against God's leading. It didn't seem right to me. I didn't think He wanted me to go down the path that led to Bible college. But He wouldn't let it rest. I finally learned that, if I have to fight against the thing that I thing is wrong, honestly knowing it's what God wants, then that's a sure way of knowing it's God's will. If I had been given the choice, I would not have chosen this way. But God did, so it is most certainly the right thing. And I know now just how right it is for me and I truly delight to do it!
I am going to miss my family and our ministry more than I can possibly express. It's going to hurt. I really and truly don't want to leave; I love this place. God has been so richly good in my life. He's planted me in the perfect place, a place where I could bloom for Him. He's given deep contentment and joy in my heart as I have served Him in the loneliest of places. Now it's time for me to be transplanted in another place for a time. By His grace I will bloom there, too.
I know the homesickness will pass in time; I'm trusting the Lord to carry me through until it does. I have no doubt that I will love everything about college life. I am so looking forward to building strong friendships with other committed, set-apart young people. You have no idea how thirsty a missionary gets for fellowship. It is going to be good! I can't wait to begin my studies. I will be majoring in Missions and minoring in Music. I'm going to love sitting under live professors (chuckle) and learning and building into my life what I need to serve God in my tomorrows. I really am eager to be there.
One of the greatest burdens of my heart is missions. When I was sixteen or seventeen and I told the Lord I was willing to do whatever and go wherever He led me. As I have served Him with my family on our mission field, I have already experienced what it is to be a missionary. I know what being a missionary involves. It means giving up comforts and conveniences. It means being far from loved ones. It means facing trials that others are often unable to sympathize with. It means poured out for the sake of others. It means counting the cost and choosing with joy to pay it.
If God would choose to use me as a missionary then I would not choose to do or be anything else. There is such an infinite need for laborers in God's harvest field! I cry out to Him to send them forth, and I say, "Here am I, Lord. Send me." If He will use me, I will serve Him all my days with all the joy in my heart. I do not know whether I am specifically called to the mission field, but I know this is what the Lord wants me to major in at Bible college.
Necessity compels me to discuss another aspect of the changes I am embarking upon in my life. When a single young lady makes plans to attend Bible college, everyone who knows her very naturally assumes that her most desired degree is that of Mrs.
Allow me to state this as emphatically as I know how: I am not looking. College may or may not be the place where God will bring my future husband and myself together. At one point about a year ago, I was nearly adamant, even frantic, that the Lord not bring me and him together at Heartland. (Are you insane!? you're thinking right now, aren't you? =D) That is what everyone expects! So many girls and fellows at Bible colleges have little else on their minds than the opposite gender. They're not going there to study and prepare for God's calling on their lives, they're going there to catch a husband or wife. And I believe that is wrong. It is an imitation of the world's methods for seeking a mate. It distracts young people from the goals they should be striving for academically and spiritually. And it has terrible consequences if allowed to consume one's life.
The Lord does bring couples together at Bible colleges -- I know that. My own parents met at Bible college and I think it is wonderful! However, it may or may not be God's will for Him to do that for me. There is a good chance it might happen, and I'm not nearly as stubborn against the idea now as I once was. =) However, just because I am a single young lady and there are hundreds of eligible young men all around me, I have no right and no business encouraging any young man in that way. I have purposed in my heart to give no encouragement to any young man but the one God intends for me to marry. I will show interest towards no man but my man. I don't want to give my future husband any less than all of my heart and all that he deserves from me. And I don't want to be responsible for raising and disappointing the expectations of other young men.
I am going to miss my family and our ministry more than I can possibly express. It's going to hurt. I really and truly don't want to leave; I love this place. God has been so richly good in my life. He's planted me in the perfect place, a place where I could bloom for Him. He's given deep contentment and joy in my heart as I have served Him in the loneliest of places. Now it's time for me to be transplanted in another place for a time. By His grace I will bloom there, too.
I know the homesickness will pass in time; I'm trusting the Lord to carry me through until it does. I have no doubt that I will love everything about college life. I am so looking forward to building strong friendships with other committed, set-apart young people. You have no idea how thirsty a missionary gets for fellowship. It is going to be good! I can't wait to begin my studies. I will be majoring in Missions and minoring in Music. I'm going to love sitting under live professors (chuckle) and learning and building into my life what I need to serve God in my tomorrows. I really am eager to be there.
One of the greatest burdens of my heart is missions. When I was sixteen or seventeen and I told the Lord I was willing to do whatever and go wherever He led me. As I have served Him with my family on our mission field, I have already experienced what it is to be a missionary. I know what being a missionary involves. It means giving up comforts and conveniences. It means being far from loved ones. It means facing trials that others are often unable to sympathize with. It means poured out for the sake of others. It means counting the cost and choosing with joy to pay it.
If God would choose to use me as a missionary then I would not choose to do or be anything else. There is such an infinite need for laborers in God's harvest field! I cry out to Him to send them forth, and I say, "Here am I, Lord. Send me." If He will use me, I will serve Him all my days with all the joy in my heart. I do not know whether I am specifically called to the mission field, but I know this is what the Lord wants me to major in at Bible college.
Necessity compels me to discuss another aspect of the changes I am embarking upon in my life. When a single young lady makes plans to attend Bible college, everyone who knows her very naturally assumes that her most desired degree is that of Mrs.
Allow me to state this as emphatically as I know how: I am not looking. College may or may not be the place where God will bring my future husband and myself together. At one point about a year ago, I was nearly adamant, even frantic, that the Lord not bring me and him together at Heartland. (Are you insane!? you're thinking right now, aren't you? =D) That is what everyone expects! So many girls and fellows at Bible colleges have little else on their minds than the opposite gender. They're not going there to study and prepare for God's calling on their lives, they're going there to catch a husband or wife. And I believe that is wrong. It is an imitation of the world's methods for seeking a mate. It distracts young people from the goals they should be striving for academically and spiritually. And it has terrible consequences if allowed to consume one's life.
The Lord does bring couples together at Bible colleges -- I know that. My own parents met at Bible college and I think it is wonderful! However, it may or may not be God's will for Him to do that for me. There is a good chance it might happen, and I'm not nearly as stubborn against the idea now as I once was. =) However, just because I am a single young lady and there are hundreds of eligible young men all around me, I have no right and no business encouraging any young man in that way. I have purposed in my heart to give no encouragement to any young man but the one God intends for me to marry. I will show interest towards no man but my man. I don't want to give my future husband any less than all of my heart and all that he deserves from me. And I don't want to be responsible for raising and disappointing the expectations of other young men.
I'm not looking. I am well aware that there will be many real, sold Godly, manly men available and I could easily "catch" one if I wanted to. Yes, I am female. Yes, I know what kind of fellow I'm attracted to. But I'm not looking! God knows where I'm at and He knows what He's doing, so I'll just trust Him and wait. I have entrusted my heart to the Lord for safekeeping and I'm depending on my parents to guide me in this vital decision when God says it's time. I believe with all my heart that He is going to make something beautiful for me in His time! It will be worth the wait.
Heartland may or may not be the place where God will bring my future beloved and myself together. I don't know either way, so I'd rather be safe and keep my heart single during this new period of my life than to foolishly risk marring the beauty of His plan for my future. I don't need to rush or worry. The Lord is going to take care of me.
My commitment may seem needless, extreme, or even foolish to some, but this is what God wants me to do because it is the only right thing to do in this situation. It is the only way to keep my heart safe and single until I marry the amazing man God has chosen for me. I don't have to carry pain and regrets into my marriage! I won't let Satan do that to me! I am committed. I will be as faithful to my future husband now as I will be after I spoken my vows to him. "[I] will do him [my future husband] good and not evil all the days of [my] life." (Prov. 31:12)
My commitment may seem needless, extreme, or even foolish to some, but this is what God wants me to do because it is the only right thing to do in this situation. It is the only way to keep my heart safe and single until I marry the amazing man God has chosen for me. I don't have to carry pain and regrets into my marriage! I won't let Satan do that to me! I am committed. I will be as faithful to my future husband now as I will be after I spoken my vows to him. "[I] will do him [my future husband] good and not evil all the days of [my] life." (Prov. 31:12)
I mentioned towards the beginning of this post that the past two years of my life has been a time of preparation. One day I read in F. B. Meyer's The Life of Paul something that caused me to see with stunning clarity what this period was all about.
"But deeper than all was God's work within Paul's soul. Grain by grain, Paul's proud self-reliance and impetuosity were worn away. No longer confident in himself, he was henceforth more than content to be the slave of Jesus Christ -- going where he was sent, doing as he was bidden, and serving as the instrument of God's will. We all need to go to Arabia to learn lessons like these. The Lord Himself was led up into the wilderness. And in one form or another, every soul that has done a great work in the world has passed through similar periods of obscurity, suffering, disappointment, or solitude."
The Lord has taught me these same precious lessons, not in the arid Arabian desert but in the barren Arctic of Alaska. He has used this time of loneliness to shut myself up with Him, to make Himself real to me, and to prove Himself so faithful to lead, sustain, and provide for me. Now I trust Him. Now His will is my own. I am His bond slave!
And now... Now, the long, dark period is behind me and He stretches forth His hand to new horizons. He has work for me to do. I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD!
The lessons that are hardest learned are best learned. The Lord has taught me some hard things during the past few years and I'm convinced that I will be required to learn much more difficult ones in the very near future. But I am not fearful. I am ready to go forward with my Lord, trusting His plan, clinging to His hand, and obeying His each command. I have no greater assurance than that He will do only what is best for me. I cast my very life into His hands to do with as He chooses. He cannot possibly fail me.
In the photos: Tundra scenery, a tundra flower I've not yet identified, and purple saxifrage. The last photo was taken yesterday evening on a four-wheeler ride several miles outside of the village. The white "flowers" are cotton grass and the body of water is the lagoon. It was beautiful.
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